Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
