I hate all girls vehemently.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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