The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
