Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
