Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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