I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
