I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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