Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Acid is not a monday night drug
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
