I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
