Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
