guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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