I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
