That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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