I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I enjoy the company of your penis
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
