please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize