I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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