the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
