she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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