just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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