So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
