i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
