R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
