This is not my ceiling
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
