you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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