did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
