hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize