Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
