I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
