Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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