Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
