i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
