is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize