lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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