just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
