I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
