is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
