i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
