Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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