my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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