Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
