Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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