Swine flu is the new snow day.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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