dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
