Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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