remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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