why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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