You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
