Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
