i already hear my dad disowning me
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
