I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
