I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
