If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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