I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
