he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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