I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
