I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
