i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
