now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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