I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
